is it worth? is there anything worth lookin for, worth livign for, worth loving for..

just some recent thoughts that are reappearing.. they say "you pursue your own happiness"... there have been so many occurances where i've considered other peoples feelings/thoughts.. i considered their thoughts so much that it overweighed my feelings/thoughts. what kinda considerations you're asking? say.. for instance.. if you're around someone that you like and they like you in return.. and there's some other kid that likes the person that you like also that's also present at the scene.. a little triangle scenario.. in a situation like such.. i wouldn't do anything that would make that other kid feel bad or jealous.. i kno it doesn't seem like a big deal but i put myself in his shoes and wonder how i'd feel if i saw soemoen i liked flrit with someone else.. or whatever.. something similar to that.. so i'm questioning myself.. why the hell do i have to think about everyone else's feelings?? why can't i think for myself.. and do what i wanna do (hold her, hug her, etc etc) despite whomever's there. i would like to think that there's a reason for everything and i'm only donig so because i dont like hurting other people's feelings.. but is it really true as the saying goes that i shoudl pursue my own happiness (whatever that saying is).. am i letting go of my happiness in doing so making it appear like i'm not interested.. i'm often confronted with issues that make me feel unfair.. but hey life is unfair.. and everyone else is selffish.. why can't i be like them.. but you kno what.. maybe there will be someone simliar to me.. that's less selffish than the recent of the population. that is soemone i want ot meet.

i obviously don't expect anyone to read this becuase it's become larger than i anticipated. but.. antoher thing.. lately i've met this girl.. acutally i've met a few people but i'm particularly interested in this one girl but many questions come to mind. so the first of the few... do i really like her? or am i just interested in having a girlfriend.. i wouldnt kno... maybe it's a little bit of both. i guess the only way to fidn out is give it more time.. i'd kno for suer then. antoehr issue that's bugging me is the number of put downs i get. disappointment. that's huge in my life. so many cases of different girls.. where i put so muhc effort.. so much heart into it.. but in the end i get nothing. it was all a waste.. but was it really? cuz i learned alot. i guess the lesson i'm having a hard time learning is stop putting so much effort into girls, stop caring so much. because of the continous outcomes of NOTHING.. i think my hope for anything more than friendship is low.. in a matter of fact right now i think i coudl careless for that.. i've been focusing so much on school/education.. i'm feelin the need of a girlfriend less and less.. but that's just cuz i dont think there's too many people worth my tiem.. so yea ill just hang on and wait for someone worth my time to come along

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

i just want, i just want love.. i just want, i just want loooovee

dang 4 entries in a row haha i should stop counting.. these entries keep comin cuz i keep thinkin.. shoudl stop that too lol.. girls.. *sigh. maybe it's that time of the year.. the season of summer is ending.. or ended.. i wouldn't kno but i can tell that the weather is gettin colder. maybe that's why. it's getting colder, i'm feelin a lil lonely :o lol.. i usually wouldnt admit to that.. but hey who reads this to kno right? i woke up for the past week or so when it was like 70 degrees out in the morning.. and im curling into a lil ball because even that pillow i hold everynite won't do teh job.. it's freezing.. not just the outside..but my inside. i miss that feeling.. when i wake up and i haev someone on my mind.. it makes me soooo happy that i have HER that i just jump outta bed not worryin about how i'll bounce into taht wall infront of me cuz my bed is so springy. i like the feeling of having somethign to look forward to during the day.. to see her smile and receive a hug.. thats all i need. thats all i want. mabye you're thinking.. i want friendship.. but to me.. it's a deeper feeling than friendship and i'd explain it all but i haven't much time. another day of school tomorrow but this week is gonna be better, i kno it. these little feelings keep me on the road of education.. cuz u kno someday ill be makin the moneyy to be support my hunnnie! :P

uh oh three consecutive entries over three days.. not good. usually means that i'm thinking more than i need to.. first off.. i havent worked out in the longest time which would be about a month and a week.. but it feels soo much longer than that! so now that i've got this college life down.. pretty well i woudl like to think.. i know my schedule.. got my routines down.. a plan and everything.. i think i can worry more about important things in my life like keepin my body in shape.. i'll prolly be able to sneak in an hour of workin out everyday if not more.. and prolyl will look into a gym to workout in.. but yeh i still have some time to figure that stuff out.

second off.. i wanted to give someone special a message.. but i wasn't sure if i should send it or not.. it's more like of those letters that get tossed or thrown away.. but yeh maybe she'll read this, maybe not..

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

for all those times you feel down because things don't go your way.. and you try your best (you always do) but you don't get what you deserve.. and sometimes crayz thoughts come to ur mind.. and u feel like giving up .. i hope you know that i (and ur friends) will always be here for you. that no matter what you do, we'll always have your back. when people do you wrong, we'll try and fix you (and kick their butts if necessary). but please dont' give up cuz we've never given up on you.. your crazy thoughts might go away in a day but if need more time.. you kno that i'd be there till the end. i just hope you kno that no matter what you're gonig through, you're not alone so don't look down but have u head up high cuz things will always get better and you're never alone. :)